Obtaining the Girl

Chapter Three

Ways Of Obtaining The Girl

[bàlà upakramaóà]

The ways of organizing marriage as well as the ways to relax the girl have been explained above. If the boy cannot obtain the girl he loves, there are four forms of marriage, beginning with mutual agreement, called gàndharva.

If marriage in its accepted forms cannot be carried out, there are four other kinds of marriage. If the girl cannot be obtained by one of the forms of marriage contemplated previously, she must be secured by one of the following four kinds of marriage: either by the form of mutual agreement (gàndharva), or one of the other three. This means that if the girl’s parents, despite her agreement, refuse to give her away, marriage will take the form of flight and mutual agreement (gàndharva), by kidnapping (paiúaca), or by capture (ràkûasa).

1 Honest but poor, of an average but ignorant family, or because he is merely a rich neighbor, he cannot obtain her due to the opposition other father, mother, and brothers, on whom she depends, but since he has desired her from childhood, he must find a way of marrying her despite everything.

Notwithstanding his merits, the boy cannot obtain the girl due to lack of money, because his family is poor, or else, even if he is moderately prosperous in appearance and character and is of good family, because he lacks education. He may also be a neighbor of good standing, who cannot obtain her due to disputes about property boundaries, or for reasons of pride or money, or else because he is dependent on his parents‘ and brothers and is without any means of his own, or because he has ; frequented the house since childhood and is considered a youngster and not to be taken seriously.

Also, if he is thought to be impotent or homosexual (janakhàpana), it is not deemed desirable to give him a girl of a good and virtuous family.

If he cannot marry her, what must he do?

2 Having been in love with her since his childhood, it is up to him to contrive something.

If she has also loved him since childhood, they will decide to marry according to the gàndharva formula, meaning marriage by mutual agreement, as being the only way of obtaining the girl be desires.

In countries where such arrangements are accepted, one of the procedures is as follows:

3 A boy who has been separated from his paternal or maternal family since childhood and obliged to live with a maternal uncle, according to southern custom, finds himself in a humiliating position. In the hope of acquiring riches, he strives to seduce his uncle’s daughter, even if she has already been promised to another.

Being without resources, he contrives to go and live with his rich maternal uncle, in the hope of marrying his daughter, as is the custom in the south, but, being an orphan, he risks a refusal. Whether or not she is promised to another, he manages to seduce her.

4 Or else he seeks to seduce another girl outside the family.

If he cannot have his uncle’s daughter, he will look for another outside the family group. He strives to win the girl’s love and organize an elopement with her to his own country or another.

So long as she is not of his uncle’s or his own gotra (genetic group), he can marry any girl of his caste according to the gàndharva rite, which consists of an elopement and a declaration of mutual love.

5 According to Ghotakamukha, “If they have had a relationship of true affection since their earliest years, to take possession of her is legitimate.”

If they have known each other since childhood, whether virtuously or not, an agreement to go away with her, with a view to amorous relations, is allowable. This is one of the situations contemplated by ethical texts. Marriage by mutual agreement (gàndharva) is morally acceptable. It belongs to the four forms of legitimate marriage previously mentioned.

Elopement may be of two kinds, according to whether it is caused by the boy or the girl, as a conclusion to a previously established affection.

6 Since their childhood, they had talked together about flowers, ways of making garlands, housework, ways of making money, the reasons for being faithful. They described to one another the people they knew.

Since childhood, they had gathered flowers together to make garlands, and built toy houses of wood or mud, imitating dishes of rice with sand, and speaking of the people that one or the other knew. As children or adolescents, they played together according to their fantasies.

They used to build paper houses, make rag dolls, make imitation food with mud and dust and other games proper to their age, whether invented or learned.

7 They would play together at the game of pulling strings, their hands overlapping, at hiding dice in their fist, clinging to the middle finger, or at the six pebble game, as well as others that they played at home with their chums or servants.

8 They would play at finding an object blindfolded, at the saltseller, at turning their hands around forward, at finding a coin in a stock of corn, at the game of the blindman and the thief, and other village games.

Vàtsyàyana gives this advice to a boy in love: if the boy’s family status is lower than the girl’s, if he is not as rich, or belongs to another social group (vijàti), or if he is a neighbor or has ties of friendship with her family, he must avoid running away with the girl. That being said, if he is in love with a girl and they have been friends since childhood, and, notwithstanding everything, he wants to make her his wife, it is advisable for them to elope.

Under such conditions, the master describes local customs concerning the relationships of love and friendship. He suggests that, if the boy has neither father nor mother and lives with his maternal uncle, he must strive to establish amorous relations with the latter’s daughter in order to marry her, since in the countries of the south, and Mahàràûþra in particular, marriage with one’s uncle’s daughter is permissible. From Vàtsyàyana’s sayings, it is clear that love marriages are a very ancient custom in India. The books of ethics, or Småti, mention marriage by flight (gàndharva), by gift (daiva), by capture (paiúaca) and as booty of war (ràkûasa). This opinion is confirmed herein.

In this chapter, the quotation from Ghotakamukha, who is one of the authorities on the subject, does not consider the mutual attraction of boy and girl since childhood to be immoral, and furthermore, the gàndharva, paiúaca, ràkûasa, and àsura forms of marriage are accepted as well as approved by the texts on ethics. This, however, poses a question.

If children playing together find the awakening of feelings of love, how can they understand that for a certain time they could be friends but that later on, marriage would be denied them? This seems contradictory. We know that the notion of intercourse exists among children, and that it is there since birth, without their even being aware of it. Boys and girls play sexual games. The question is at what moment does the idea evolve that they will marry.

Children’s games leading to a mutual attraction between boys and girls, as described, form part of a long tradition. Gathering flowers, making garlands, building toy houses: such games are encountered in every country. Pulling a string, placing hands one over the other, hiding something in one’s hand, catching hold of a finger, and the six pebble game are, however, not innocent pastimes. It is strange that this tradition has continued since Vàtsyàyana’s time, since such games can be seen in villages even today.

Thus, the girl who plays hand games with boys will end up by being kidnapped. The game in which an object is hidden in the fist is still played in every village. Tamarind fruit pips or such tokens are hidden thus, and the one asks the other, “Even or odd?” The loser has to pay. In the game of the middle finger, the winner’s skill is put to the test.

9 Those who gain each other’s trust end up by becoming attached to one another, out of habit.

Having continual trust, they also become fond of one another. Furthermore, she lets herself be masturbated [matkàrya] by the daughter of the boy’s nurse, creating a closeness. How could she fall in love with someone else?

The boy behaves like an intimate female friend of the girl with whom he is in love. Their love and closeness can only grow stronger.

10 The daughter of the boy’s nurse can also serve to win the girl’s affection and friendship. Once she has taken her for a friend, if she sees that the girl has doubts about the boy’s qualities, she will remove them and make her well disposed and fearless.

If the nurse’s daughter knows how to make herself agreeable, she can soothe the worries of the beloved. She examines the girl’s state of mind and lets her know that the boy is in love with her. She eliminates any worries due to shyness and modesty. She strives to put the girl into a favorable frame of mind, so that the boy’s initiatives will find her with no fear. In stroking the girl’s clitoris without the boy’s knowledge, she prepares her for sexual games.

The nurse’s daughter must show she is fond of the girl’s doll. Once the girl is in her power and she has understood her state of mind, the nurse’s daughter will persuade her to join her lover.

11 Even if the girl does not realize her attraction for him, or his qualities, the nurse’s daughter will make known to her the violence of his feelings and will strive to make her fall in love.

If the girl does not realize that the boy desires her, the nurse’s laughter [dhàtreyika] will show the boy’s qualities to his best advantage and try to make her fall in love with him.

12 Wherever she discerns curiosity, she manages to seize the opportunity.

Whenever she sees a chance, the nurse’s daughter worms her way in, makes herself understood and is successful.

When the nurse’s daughter sees that the girl has doubts, she incites her curiosity about the boy.

13 The boy sends her the playthings mentioned previously, or others that are new and rare, and unknown to the girl.

If his beloved is very young, he buys playthings and gives them to her. Such toys must be expensive and difficult to obtain, so that she has never seen anything like them.

14 He gives her balls decorated with changing colors, and dolls made of cloth, wood, horn, or ivory, wax, or porcelain.

In order to amuse his beloved, the lover must show her balls covered with colored stripes which, after a moment, change color, or else he brings her miniature characters made of various materials.

15 He teaches her to cook rice and other things according to recipe, since this is the principal science of women.

16 When he finds the opportunity, either openly or secretly, he gives his girlfriend a pair of wooden sheep, a wooden nanny goat and billy goat and, symbolically, a pair of earthenware or bamboo cattle, as well as images of the gods and little shrines, or cages with china parrots, since they represent the bird of Eros. Also amusingly shaped water vessels, made with pieces of conch, oyster shells, clay, wood, or stone, or a small doll representing a musician playing a miniature vìóà, shells containing offerings, powdered carbon (ràjàvarta) for drawing, and betel made with leaves with instructions for use. According to his means, he must offer whatever may be pleasing to her, giving her whatever shines. If he deems that it may serve his purpose, he offers her everything that can please her.

For what purpose?

17 Seeing that she is well disposed toward him, he speaks of a meeting.

Seeing she is happy, he hesitates no longer. In order to prevent her looking elsewhere, he speaks of their marriage.

When the girl has accepted secret and hidden meetings, he can speak to her of other things.

18 If the gifts he has made secretly are discovered, afraid of her parents, she pretends that they are intended for someone else.

If her parents angrily demand where the gifts come from, she says she accepted them because someone else wanted them.

19 He ponders on tales that might inspire passion. He quotes famous accounts to her, which interest and seduce her.

He charms her mind with romantic stories, such as the tale of Princess Úakuntalà and others.

20 If she likes to be astonished, he surprises her with conjuring tricks. If she is interested in the arts, he shows his skill, and if she loves music, he sings songs that enchant her ear.

On the eighth day of the moon of the month of Aúvin (May), and other festivals of the moon, on days of pilgrimage, eclipses, on returning from a journey, when she is in grief, or the day on which her ears are pierced, he offers her clothes and jewels, being careful not to put her in the wrong.

He must do it without anyone knowing.

21 Once she has assured him, through the offices of the nurse’s daughter, that she does not wish to know any other man, and that she is in love with him, he can teach her the sixty-four kinds of amorous games.

22 Having received this message and in order to put it into practice, he demonstrates to her his skills as a lover.

23 He shows himself to her without his belly garment and seeks to reveal his feelings, gauging her expression at the sight of the shape of his penis.

Why does he show himself unclothed [anupahata]?

24 Since her childhood, the girl has constantly seen the men of her family, but without ever having erotic relations with them. She now becomes enamored of the first man who desires her.

She desires the boys she sees often, but her modesty prevents her from shelving it.

It is clear that the girl desires the boys of her neighborhood or of her own family, but even if she desires them, she may not have relations with them.

Haw does she show her feelings at seeing him undressed?

25 One must know how to interpret the signs and apparent manifestations of her feelings.

Her reactions are indicated by her facial expression and appearance. These should therefore be taken further into account.

26 When he faces her, she does not look at him. When he looks at her, she shows embarrassment. She lets him catch a glimpse of some parts of her pretty limbs and watches to see whether the boy is amorously attentive and is not looking elsewhere.

She lowers her head out of modesty. She shows her breasts and armpits, while undoing her clothes.

When in front of her beloved, out of modesty, a young girl does not look at him but, turning her head, looks at him out of the corner of her eye. In one way or another, she will let the beauty of her body be seen and will note whether the boy seems attracted by her or whether he is inattentive and looks elsewhere.

27 When questioned, she replies with a half-smile, in a low voice, with indistinct words, while lowering her head. If she is near him, she takes pleasure in staying there for a long moment. If he is far off, with the idea of “he must look at me,” she speaks with those close to her without looking at them and does not leave the place.

If the boy makes a proposal, she shows her agreement with a smile and by her expression and speaks in a shy manner.

28 If he looks at her for an instant, she laughs and starts chatting so that he will not go away. Sitting on the young man’s knees, she puts her arms around him and embraces him. She gets a maidservant to adjust the marks on her brow. She becomes vivacious with those next to her.

Whenever he looks in her direction, she laughs and winks at him. If her girlfriends annoy her, she repulses them. Curled up on the knees of the boy [bàlaka], who caresses her and kisses her deeply, making a maidservant redo the red marks on her forehead, she looks at her hero [nàyakà]. Surrounded by her relations, she arranges her hair, moving her limbs to show them off.

29 She questions his friends and sets great store by their assertions. She confides in the servants with whom she plays and chats. She evaluates her suitor according to what they say. She listens attentively to the gossip of her servants and others.

She lets her suitor’s friends see her feelings and talks a lot. She seeks to establish his character through what his servants have to say.

The beloved confides in her lover’s friends. She respects their opinions. She behaves affectionately with his servants and plays cards and other games with them and gives orders authoritatively to the boy’s servants. And if they speak about him, she listens carefully.

30 Going to the boy’s house, she plays dice with him, and speaks of their desire to form a couple. She avoids showing herself without being well adorned. If he asks her to wear ear or hand ornaments or other jewels, she borrows them from a girlfriend. She always wears the ones he has given her. Any mention of another suitor displeases her, and she refuses the company of those who want to claim her hand.

Chaperoned by her nurse, she goes to his house. She needs such cover to go outdoors. She likes playing with the boy and stays with him a long time, flattered by his compliments. Out of modesty, she makes him transmit his presents through a girlfriend. She clasps him in long embraces and refuses to frequent people sent by another party,

Informed by a maidservant, the boy goes to the dwelling of his i beloved. Seconded by the maidservant, they play games and talk together. She is always elegantly dressed. If he asks her to wear earrings, a jewel, or a necklace, she immediately gets a girlfriend to lend them to her. She always wears the jewels he has offered her. Any mention of other boys displeases her, and she refuses to see those who speak of them.

Here are two quotations to terminate this second subject dealt with:

31 “Having interpreted the state of her feelings from spontaneous signs, he must contemplate the ways of marrying the girl.”

Stimulated by all these signs and with his sex [liòga] changing its state, the boy, a prey of his passion, commences amorous games [samprayoga], having decided to marry her in the gàndharva fashion, by simple mutual agreement, in order to end in complete copulation.

There are three kinds of girl: the young girl [bàla], the adolescent [taruóì], and the young woman [prauda], who are respectively the three kinds of mistress.

32 The young girl plays children’s games; the adolescent is interested in the arts; the young woman seeks affection. Their trust must be won in order to seduce them.

The astute boy seduces the young girl with playthings, the adolescent by his skill in the arts. To obtain the young woman, he needs the assistance of persons she trusts.

This chapter describes the attempts made by the very young lover to attract the girl he loves and to make her enamored of him. The ways and means employed can be divided into two parts. One is through her circle, by gifts of clothes and wonderfully attractive jewels, as a means of managing to get to know his heroine and of gradually nurturing her love. The other way lies in offering her things that let her know his feelings, so that the young girl realizes the boy’s intentions.

Much prudence and intelligence is required to begin with in choosing the means. The trust and affection of the girl’s circle must be won over. And if they become go-betweens, they must be convinced to act in such a way that the girl’s love for the boy will grow. For his go-between, he must choose someone who has access to the girl’s intimate circle and whom she considers as a close friend. Their intimacy and promiscuity must be such as to encourage the young girl’s sexual desires and, if the opportunity arises, to arrange a pleasant encounter. Vàtsyàyana recommends choosing as a go-between the nurse’s daughter or a close girlfriend. These assistants should be able to understand fully the girl’s state of mind and be capable of helping bring her desires to fruition and make things easy for her. Moreover, with their understanding of the boy’s feelings, they should inform the girl of them without arousing in her any fear for her reputation. By means of these confidential go-betweens, the boy can make himself known to the girl, send her messages and, when her heart is inflamed, he can take advantage of it. The boy must contrive that her companions sympathize and confide in him, and must make himself appreciated by them so that they praise him to such an extent that the girl becomes madly desirous of seeing him and loves him before even having set her eyes on him.

It is her companions’ task to make her passion grow.

The hero must take care that all the gifts he sends his heroine are marvelous and out of the ordinary, such as she has never seen before and are not possessed by any of her girlfriends. The girl is proud to receive such objects and gets a good impression of her hero. In making use of these things and in showing them to her friends, she considers herself favored. The reservations of her mind relax and, little by little, she gives herself to him mentally.

If the jewels are to her taste, they put into her mind ideas about married life, erotic feelings, a desire for amorous games. On seeing them, the girl starts making wonderful plans for her future. With exstation, she imagines amorous relations with the boy. She appreciates his taste and his choices. At the same time, useful and pleasant things she may desire must be taken into account. One must collect gifts which are to her taste.

Thus, when the girl has been informed of his amorous feelings by the go-between in her circle, the boy must strive to express the same, while taking care to remain prudent. Always dressed with seductive elegance, he does his best to meet the girl and present himself before her. During such meetings, the boy can get an idea of the girl’s state of mind and evaluate her feelings according to her behavior.

Nothing must be overlooked in evaluating the signs that reveal the girl’s feelings toward the boy. For this reason, in this chapter, Vàtsyàyana studies the female character with great subtleness. He says that with most women, while showing strength, one should behave gently. The girl will quickly realize it, but her desire is never clear or evident. Even if she wishes to, she cannot, out of modesty and decency, greet the one she loves. This is why young men must know how to evaluate a woman’s feelings from signs, her facial expressions, or the movements of her hands and feet.

A woman’s way of seeing things is bizarre and secretive. When they say “no,” it means “yes.” Their efforts to be contrary hide their agreement. When a girl does not look at the boy in front of her, and turns her head away, her wink must be caught. If the boy chances to look at her, she immediately lowers her head. She reveals her feelings in adjusting her sari, by moving her limbs, passing her hand over her jewels, fidgeting with her fingers, scratching the ground with her fingers, and so on. If the boy does not look at her, she is furious and remains impassible, her gaze fixed in the distance. She does not lower her eyes. If the girl chances to meet the boy and he addresses her, she has difficulty in replying, uses imprecise words, while smiling with indifference and lowering her head. If by chance she meets him while she is surrounded by her friends or members of her family, she turns toward her girlfriends and argues with them, while making sure that the boy looks at her. In all cases, she wants the boy to stay where he is.

When she sees the boy, the girl’s behavior is usually modest and shy, and sometimes very odd. If she is carrying a baby in her arms, she will caress it and kiss it ceaselessly. She gets her girlfriends or maidservants to adjust her jewels and, with their assistance, practices all kinds of pretenses and games. The astute boy must study shrewdly a” ways in which he can amuse the girl.

End of the Third Chapter

Ways of Obtaining the Girl

of the Third Part entitled Acquiring a Wife