Behavior Of Woman And Man

Part Five

Other Men’s Wives

[Paradàrìka]

Chapter One

Behavior [Úìla] Of Woman And Man

 The ways in which a man has sexual relations with a girl or a widow have been explained in detail. The matter now is those who behave like prostitutes. Love with other men’s wives is a matter of pleasure and money. In explaining the means of reaching sexual relations, the question of prostitution is taken before that of adultery. Vàtsyàyana explains why sexual relations with women married to other men are forbidden.

1 The reasons for not sleeping with other men’s wives have already been explained.

Since sexual relations with women married to another will not “ring the joy of having children, this question has been correctly explained in the general remarks on women.

2 In this connection, the possibilities of success must first be examined. What risks are involved? Does she want to make love? And so on.

One should reflect deeply before having relations with married women. If it works, what do I risk? Is success possible without taking too many risks? When I have possessed her, what are the risks for the reputation of either of us? What will be the effect of our union? My own reaction? And what will remain?

Before allowing oneself the desire for relations with another man’s wife, one should reflect: Shall I obtain the one I desire or not? If I am successful, shall I have problems? Is it worthwhile? Once I have conquered her, will our relationship last? And what shall I gain thereby?

3 When he realizes that his passion is passing from one stage to another, in order to avoid destroying himself as a result of this passion, he proceeds to take possession of another man’s wife.

At the sight of the woman, passion is aroused in the form of violent desire to possess her and, passing from one stage of passion to another, he is deeply affected by it. Seeing the state of his feelings, he must contrive to possess her, since he cannot renounce it.

If he reaches the conclusion that “without this woman I cannot live,” he must arrange for them to sleep together.

What are the stages [sthàna] of passion?

4 The stages of development of passion number ten.

Considering the madness of love that, not reaching its goal, grows continuously and ends by leading a man to renounce life, the Master forewarns against the extremes of behavior that result from it. The stages of amorous passion are ten in number:

5 A vision gives rise to a desire, which takes hold of the mind and becomes an obsession. He can no longer sleep, his body weakens, he loses interest in everything, loses all sense of propriety, loses his reason, loses consciousness, and ends by dying. These are the ten characteristic stages of amorous passion.

Having glimpsed the woman, he feels a burning desire to unite with her. His passion then grows and he tries ceaselessly to see her again. Not being able to implement his desire, it becomes a fixation. From this fixation arises the will to find the means of obtaining her, which becomes an obsession. He loses his sleep. Not sleeping, he gets thinner. He loses interest in everything. Being wholly preoccupied, he ends up by burning with fever. Losing all sense of propriety and all fear, he goes mad. He has fainting fits and, having ruined his health, he ends by dying. Such are the stages of a passion that commence with a simple glance.

6 According to the authorities [àcàrya] on the subject, in such a case, one must first examine the physique and character of the young woman, her virtue, faithfulness, purity, and availability, and measure the violence of one’s own passion.

Before letting amorous desire take hold, he must first examine the woman’s character, her physical aspect, the signs of love games on her body, which are indicative of her behavior, her faithfulness, purity, life, her blameless conduct, so as to decide whether the enterprise is worth the while.

According to the masters of the Kàma Úàstra, before attempting to sleep with another man’s wife, an intelligent person will strive to tell from her appearance, beauty, and peculiarities which woman is virtuous, honest, and faithful, and which could be attracted by adultery.

7 According to Vàtsyàyana, a woman’s nature can be known from the indices of seduction, by which she reveals her behavior and her tendency to unfaithfulness and sexual union.

Examining the possibilities of sexual relations from her appearance, beauty, character, faithfulness, and purity, before going ahead, he must consider whether or not she is attainable by violence or gentleness. After this, he decides to pursue his enterprise according to the indices of seduction. The reasons for excluding the same are three, as concerns a man and woman who are greatly attached to each other, and are faithfulness, virtue, and purity.

Vatsyayana’s opinion is that, by examining a woman’s body and the marks on it, one can know whether she is faithful or dissolute.

8 It happens that a woman desires a man whose excitation she sees and that the man also desires her. As a result of some impediment, however, as Gonardìya explains, they cannot fulfill their desire.

It happens that a married woman is attracted by another man She desires him, excited by his fortune or his appearance. Thus, passion is born. On his side, seeing the woman excited, the man desires her. An obstacle, for some reason, arises, preventing them from uniting. Full of erotic ardor for each other, they are thus both in a state of frustration. Gonikàputra speaks of this to teach them to be more skillful.

9 Although the feeling is similar for both, it is stronger in the woman.

Although they are both in the same state, the feeling is stronger in the woman.

Women who tend to fall in love with someone else are more often encountered than fickle men.

10 A woman in love takes no account of what is good or bad. If there is an obstacle on the path to her goal, however, she will not persevere.

If she has an inclination, she does not care to know whether it good or bad. She desires things too intensely. If, however, as a result of some obstacle, she does not reach her objective, she immediately sees the error and, realizing her mistake, makes up her mind what to do, since it is women’s nature not to see a mistake till after the attempt

11 By nature, she refuses a man what he desires.

Although she wishes to make love with him, she refuses to give herself, but seeks a reason to unite with him. To seek a pretext is her nature.

12 Approached many a time and oft, she eventually gives way.

Because she wishes to.

After the man has made repeated attempts, she ends by sleeping with him.

13 For reasons of ethics or responsibility, some men prefer to give up, although they are in love and are awaited.

Due to the prohibition of the sacred books and the Aryan rules of conduct, although he desires it, he renounces the idea, the reasons for his behavior being either concrete or intangible.

14 Even if she is set on uniting with him, she will not manage to do so.

Because of the obstacle of virtue, or because of her good reputation, the woman who desires to unite with him does not manage to. This is due to her moral sense, since there is a step to be taken between desiring an act and committing it.

Although the woman seeks to lure him into the trap of her love, she does not succeed in catching him.

15 In an occasional relationship, after the act of love, the “woman wants a repetition. He, having obtained it, becomes indifferent.

Not attaching great importance to it, after making love, he is not interested in repeating the act. This is characteristic of a man who seeks only erotic pleasure. His business having succeeded, he becomes indifferent, and does not seek to repeat the act, because it is a matter of pure eroticism.

Women make love to establish a pleasant relationship. But a man, once he has ejaculated, becomes melancholy.

16 He does not esteem a woman who is easy to have, but is interested in one who is difficult to obtain. This is a general rule.

Out of a spirit of contrariness, he disdains a woman who is easy, ana falls in love with one who makes difficulties.

17 The causes of refusal.

The reasons for which a woman does not desire another man as follows:

18 Because she loves her husband.

Her husbands love is the cause of her refusal, even if she likes other.

19 Because of her children.

Out of regard for her children, whether she is nursing them from mere affection.

20 Because she has passed this stage.

Because she has matured, she is ashamed to give her body another man.

21 Because she has troubles.

Full of sorrow as a result of the death of a loved one, even if she wishes to, she refuses.

22 She cannot manage to free herself.

Since her husband is always close to her, she does not see how can get away from him.

23 If she is invited to, without the proper forms, she gets angry.

Put suddenly to the question, without any sign of respect, fear the reason for her anger.

24 He gives up the enterprise if it appears without a solution.

Desperate at not succeeding, he gives up.

Realizing that she will never give herself to a man, he renounces the idea of sleeping with her.

25 She is seeing someone else or is in love with another: he withdraws.

She is going with another, so there is no possibility for the time being. There is no hope of enticing her for a long time if she is in love with someone and is not, for the moment, available.

26 Because he lacks discretion, she flies from him.

“He does not hide his feelings in public. He will make me everyone’s laughing stock.” And she runs away from him.

27 He speaks of his intentions with his friends and follows their advice.

He reveals his intentions to his friends and suits his behavior to their suggestions. He follows their advice instead of seeking to understand the woman’s feelings.

This is why she does not want him.

28 She suspects that he is without financial means.

Thinking that he is penniless, she avoids going with him.

29 She fears his violence.

He does not know how to control his temper and causes distress. She stays out of his way.

30 The hind fears sexual ardor.

The hind has a weak character. The hind is afraid of being subject to one who is capable of sexual brutality.

Women of the hind category do not want to sleep with a man endowed with a large instrument, or whose temper they fear.

31 She distrusts a townsman who is too skillful in erotic technique.

Townspeople are too cunning, too expert in love: the innocent Peasant girl is frightened of it.

If the man is from the town and is highly skilled in erotic technique, she refuses to sleep with him out of modesty.

32 She prefers they should remain friends.

He behaves to me like a friend. I fear what his attitude may be afterward.

33 She is shocked by his Ignorance of the customs of the country and period.

He is not informed about local habits.

34 She despises him because he is of low extraction.

Due to his inferior status, she fears that her girlfriends and other people will leave her.

35 He is stupid because he does not understand when he is given a sign.

When he is presented with an opportunity, he does not seize it: he understands nothing.

36 For an elephant woman, a hare is insufficient.

For an impassioned cow-elephant, the hare appears to lack the means.

The elephant woman, when she realizes that the man belongs the hare category, that his instrument is small and that he lacks temperament, has no desire to sleep with him.

37 Out of compassion, she fears to hurt him.

“Because of me, in wishing to mount me, he risks hurting himself.” She takes pity on him and does not desire to sleep with him.

38 Stating her own defects, she refuses.

Considering her own defects, sicknesses, unpleasant smells, she avoids sleeping with him.

39 She refuses likewise, fearing for her future, since if it were known, her parents would throw her out.

Fearful that on learning of the affair, her family would reject her.

40 Because he is old, she has no consideration for him. Finding him old, she does not respect him.

41 She asks herself whether he is not a connection of her husband’s.

She reflects, “Has he been sent by my husband?” With this idea, she refuses to meet him.

42 For ethical reasons.

There are a few women who pay attention to what is good or bad. Because she has religious principles, she refuses to commit an evil act.

For the one who seeks to seduce her, the following is suggested:

43 Among the reasons for refusal, he must first determine which can be attributed to his person.

Among the causes of refusal, he must first of all consider the ones of which he is the cause and, having determined these, eliminate them so as to avoid a refusal.

What must a man do, who wishes to seduce other men’s wives? The procedure is clear: he must astutely hide his own weaknesses and defects from them.

If his defects have already been perceived by the women, what must he do?

44 Moral objections do not resist the mounting of passion.

Moral objections, her husband’s love, the fact of expecting a baby, of having passed the age, because she is in mourning, religious convictions, and all those barriers connected with Aryan ethics, are broken down by the growing of passion. This is why it is necessary for love to grow.

45 The means of counteracting failures are indicated below.

“In order not to be rejected by her, I must be conscious of my own defects.”

46 Familiarity overcomes excessive pride.

A citizen who is skilled in the arts, when at loss for arguments, should behave as a friend. Familiarity will overcome the pride of a married woman.

A woman draws away from too enterprising a man, but her fear decreases when she knows him better.

47 He must skillfully avoid shocking people.

If he makes blunders from ignorance of local customs, he mi acknowledge his errors. He must know how to bear humiliations due to social rank, gray hair, and other things that diminish him. He must skillfully obtain forgiveness for any humiliations borne by the heroine, which may have affected her vanity in front of others, drawing his inspiration from the techniques taught by the treatise.

He must adroitly remedy reticences borne of a feeling of humiliation.

48 He contends with the effects of his mistakes by his humility.

Scolded for his ignorance and for not having hidden his feelings from his friends, he develops an inferiority complex. He makes his excuses when he is alone with her.

By his humility, he removes any doubts that the woman had about him.

49 It is the same with doubts arising from fear. It is necessary to inspire trust.

If highly excited, he is capable of violence; if he is a hare, he lacks temperament; if he is of another sphere, what will become of him in the future? He must remedy all these fears by inspiring trust,

If he knows how to control his behavior, success if in sight. Otherwise, union is impossible. The question is now to know which men are appreciated by women.

50 Generally, the characteristics of a successful man are as follows: he knows the Kàma Sùtra; he knows how to tell tales; he has been known by her since childhood. Being of the same circle, they have grown up together and their mutual trust derives from their games and other contacts. He does what he is asked. He speaks well. He knows how to make himself agreeable. She has obtained information about him beforehand through competent messengers. Having heard the praises of his friends, she knows he is charming. He has already had amorous experiences. He is a neighbor, and they have been children together. He has an erotic temperament. He is popular with the servants, with her nurse, and with the newly wed couple. He likes strolling in the garden. Proud as a bull, he is patient, courageous. From the point of view of culture, aspect, and qualities, he is better than her husband, greatly superior also in his ways of doing things.

Men who have success are usually those who know the Kàma Sùtra, who know how to tell a story. If they are also expert in love, they have success with women.

Those who have frequented each other’s houses since childhood develop a reciprocal affection and are successful. A young man who is already adult, knowing how to treat women, is successful.

He who has become a confidant in games, cutting paper, etc., meets with success; he who does what she asks of him is successful; he who expresses himself in a seemly manner, with moderation, succeeds;

He procures what she wants and gives it to her; sent as messenger for another whose praises he should sing, it is he who manages to seduce her.

He ends by succeeding from having courted her much; because he “as already had amorous relations with girls, he succeeds; if he has a reputation for getting women pregnant, he succeeds.

They have grown up together, in the same house: he succeeds; neighbors reveal that he is of a libidinous temperament: he succeeds.

Making friends with the nurse, what he learns through her about the husband makes him succeed. In houses with newly married couples, he succeeds with the women. He loves shows, dancing, theater, strolling, and journeys. He behaves amorously with women: he succeeds. He has a reputation for being a bull, which women like.

Audaciously, he reacts immediately when women call him. Courageous, knowing no fear, he is ready to seduce other men’s wives. With those who are tired of sleeping with their husband, even though he is their Support, he succeeds in making love for the sake of pleasure.

Coming from a good family, he is greatly superior to the husband, in culture, appearance, and manners. In any case, a man of amorous temperament pleases women.

51 He must contemplate the means of obtaining the woman he likes.

While thinking over the means of implementing his enterprise, hi must reflect, “What kind of woman is she? Is it possible to conquer her or not?”

52 The women that can be obtained without any effort are as follows: one it suffices to set one’s hand to in order to have her; one who is always on the doorstep, looking along the street leading to her house; one who goes to indoor receptions dressed very scantily; one who always looks at men; one who, when she is looked at, looks around her; one on whom a co-wife is imposed for no particular reason; one who is visibly hostile to her husband, or without family, or without a husband.

The ones that can be obtained without effort or difficulty are those that stand at the door looking at men; those who usually stay beside the door can be obtained with a few jokes. Those who find themselves with another wife, through no fault of their own, and wit of revenge desire another man. Those who detest their husband and want nothing to do with him, even if he has qualities. When there is such hostility toward the husband, the couple is generally unstable.

A woman without a family is generally shameless. One who has no husband needs to depend on someone else.

53 One who boasts incessantly of her high birth, whose children are dead, who likes parties, who is friendly with everyone, who frequents loose-living persons, who is a virgin, whose husband is dead, who has suffered greatly from poverty, whose husband has a first wife, whose husband has many brothers, who is vain but scorned by her husband, who is proud of her talents, which her stupid husband denigrates, who is neglected by her husband: such women look elsewhere.

Born of a well-known family and being always reminded of it, her attachments are elsewhere.

Her children dying, leaving her husband without offspring, she thinks that with another man she will be fruitful.

Fond of parties at home, or at the homes of her girlfriends, she looks for distraction.

She falls head over heels in love with people and adopts them, frequents loose-living women, actresses, dancers, and often prostitutes.

A widow, though still a child, whether or not a virgin, her innocence is already lost.

Having suffered poverty, she is attracted by those who can spend. She has learned everything from her numerous brothers, or from an older wife, or from her brothers-in-law.

Saddened at being ignored and neglected by her husband, out of a wish to be appreciated, but not being desired, she no longer takes pleasure in his company.

54 Women who become dissolute are those who, while adolescents, have been married by force and have not been allowed to marry the man they wanted. One who is a man’s equal in mind, intelligence, character, and aptitude. One with a quarrelsome nature, who takes sides, blamed without having any fault, humiliated in front of her equals, whose husband is on a journey, whose husband is irascible, dirty, impotent, lazy, fearful, hunchbacked, dwarfish, deformed, dissolute, loutish, evil-smelling, sick, or old.

Married by force when still a child, by freak of chance, she has never made love with him. She is in love with another, whom she desires, out of long-standing love.

One who is his equal in intelligence and ability, by her knowledge of the arts and her capacity for learning, becomes a rival.

If they are of the same circle, the same country, have the same sort of behavior and same nature, she becomes a rival. Scolded by her husband without having done anything wrong, she will not bear it. She desires someone else. He treats her as inferior to her equals, humiliating her as compared to other wives of similar status: out of spite, she desires another man.

If her husband is unfaithful to her while traveling, who would not look for another? If a man gets annoyed for no reason, his wife will soon take a gigolo [vita] as a lover.

He has a had smell, he does not wash: his disgusted wife turns away from him.

He belongs to the gypsy caste, so his wife usually works as a prostitute.

He is impotent [klìba].

Being lazy, he neglects his work, and she does not trust him. If he is fearful, his wife will seek another who is courageous.

If he is hunchbacked, dwarfish, or deformed, or uses crutches, since she has a horror of his deformities, his wife takes no pleasure with him.

If he has two or more wives, she knows that with two wives happiness is at an end. A peasant woman cannot bear a husband who is a townsman.

If his body smells bad, there is nothing stimulating about it.

Likewise if he is sick for a long time, if he is old or at death’s door.

In order to terminate the three subjects of this chapter,

55 Here is a quotation:

“A desire that arises spontaneously increases with experience. From mutual understanding conies ardor, which, gradually, becomes a permanent feeling.”

Excited on seeing her, he desires her. Once he has made contact, with a view to amorous relations, his desire increases. The longer he knows her, the more his ardor becomes explicit. Seeing that relations are possible, he becomes excited. When he sees the possibility of fulfillment, he is seized with ardor and his passion becomes a reality, becomes permanent.

It is normal for a woman to desire any handsome man and for a man to desire any beautiful woman. In attempting to establish relations, these desires become explicit and occupy their whole mind. The intention thus becomes an obsession.

56 Knowing that he has reached his goal, he unites his rod with the woman. A man who knows how to remove obstacles succeeds in possessing women.

Feeling that he has succeeded, he thinks, “This is the moment to possess her.” His rod indicates his readiness. The shape of the sex is always an indication. It can be seen, if it rises from increased desire, while they are still apart. It reaches its goal when it penetrates the woman.

Realizing that he has brought his enterprise to a successful conclusion, deducing the woman’s state of mind from her glances, and finding the means to set aside any difficulties, the man then manages to sleep with other men’s wives.

The Dharma Úàstra, or codes of ethics, saying that “other men’s wives are like your mother,” imply that one should respect other men’s wives, whereas the Kàma Úàstra explains the ways to seduce them. It should not be deduced from this that the Kàma Sùtra is contrary to ethics: it has nothing to do with ethics. Indeed, virtue, prosperity, and love are interdependent. They are mixed up with the life of mankind like the warp and woof of cloth. Eroticism is just as important in this world as in the next, but the author of this treatise does not let his eyes wander from the substance of his subject. He looks at good and evil in the same way.

The Kàma Sùtra is not a treatise on ethics, but it does not transgress the bounds of ethics and social convention. The Kàma Sùtra represents a philosophy, a point of view about the world. It constitutes a code of behavior.

Man’s inclinations and tendencies are described in detail, with the aim of ensuring happiness. The treatise gives advice about good things as well as about bad, and one should behave so as to make oneself as happy as possible. From the point of view of the author of the Kàma Sùtra, sleeping with other men’s wives is a sin. But how could he hide such a reality? How could he ignore this aspect of human nature, since it has been practiced from age to age, throughout the history of man—i kind? It is in following this principle that Vàtsyàyana has included a chapter on “eloping with another man’s wife.” For the same reason, in I the Upaniûads, copulation with other men’s wives is indicated in connection with the practices of the left hand (vàmadevya).

In the Àyur Veda, the treatise on medicine, copulation with other men’s wives is indicated as a remedy for erotic fever (kàma-jvara). Vàtsyàyana is not only the author of a treatise, but also a theoretician and reformer of the state and of society. He states clearly that his description of good or evil acts is made from the point of view of studying his subject, from the point of view of science. It is the task of thoughtful persons to use their discernment and take the good aspects, separating water from milk. Just as medical science explains that for certain diseases one should eat dog meat, similarly, in special circumstances, an individual may find himself in need of sleeping with other men’s wives, and he should put it into practice only after a serious study of the Kàma Sùtra.

There is nothing shocking in this. If, however, everyone considered it part of normal ethical conduct, social barriers would no longer exist, the mixture of castes would affect the children, the ethics of the state would collapse, and the result would be the decline of the human race. The dominion of ethics would disappear. The state and society, no longer having any rules, would become like animal societies.

With this intent, Vàtsyàyana describes the ten situations that arise at the moment of sexual union. There is no shame involved in describing these ten erotic situations, such as, for example, relations with other men’s wives. Such desires comprise ten erotic situations that are universal. The essence of what Vàtsyàyana says is that, in order to fulfill one’s heart’s desires, whether it is a question of a young girl or a young boy, of one’s own wife or the wife of another, or of any other person, the solution can be found in these ten general situations, which are the aim of this chapter and which concern not only other men’s wives.

The ten erotic situations of which Vàtsyàyana speaks do not only concern men, but are also applicable to women. Just as men seek to go with other men’s wives, women also go with other women’s husbands. Just as a man who wishes to sleep with another man’s wife strives to reach his goal, a woman who wishes to sleep with another woman’s husband also exerts herself. Another factor is that a man knows neither shyness nor hesitation and has great daring, while a woman lacks audacity and impudence. Her desire, however, is not less than the man’s. This reality should not be ignored. Proof is given by the dialogue between Yama (the god of the infernal world) and his sister Yamì, in the Rig Veda. Yama’s sister, agitated by desire, says to him:

“This place is totally uninhabited: here one can never meet or see anyone. I am now nubile: sleep with me and beget a son in my belly. This is my desire.”

Hearing these words of his sister’s, immodest and against the law, Yama replies:

“You are my sister. I cannot commit with you an act that is against the law. What you say and what you want to do are not right for a sister, even though, as a game, the equinoxes do it. But those brothers and sisters who practice such perverse behavior are no longer brothers and sisters, but sinners who attract the thunderbolt and, through their own fault, go to their destruction.”

In praising unions of the left hand, the Chàndogya Upaniûad says that the woman’s call is the prelude, lying beside her the hymn, penetrating her sex the offertory, and ejaculation the final hymn. Thus copulation is based on the hymns of the Sama Veda. “For the man who puts these hymns into practice, such coupling is fruitful. The man becomes more active, he lives his whole life, he prospers in children, cattle, and fame. He has numerous wives, he abandons no one, if such is his vow. This means he never abandons a woman who has shared his couch,” explains Shankara Àcàrya, in commenting on the text.

In his commentary, Ràmànuja Àcàrya writes, “He who suffers intensely from his adulterous desires should consider that they form part of the rites of the Sama Veda, of the left hand, which does not forbid sleeping with other men’s wives.”

Apart from this, in the Puràóas, in connection with the stories of Ahalyà and Indra, of Kuntìs and the sun, and in literature, those of Duûyanta and Úakuntalà, of Màlatì and Màdhava, and innumerable other love stories, no barriers are encountered to prevent one from sleeping with another man’s wife.

The author of this treatise is not limited by the conventions of a Period or a country. He composes a work that is valid for the whole world. He must keep in sight the happiness of mankind at all times and in all countries. It may be that in certain countries, sleeping with anther man’s wife is a sin, while in others it is an admissible social custom. Thus, to marry the daughter of a maternal uncle is condemned in northern India, and recommended in the south. Nowadays, for a woman to have several husbands is considered bad behavior and contrary to proper morals, yet even today in Nepal, in the Jvaunasàra tribe, it is considered a sign of nobility for a girl to have five husbands. In Kerala, among the Nambudiri Bràhmaóa, with the exception of the eldest son, all the other sons are married to Naiyyar (Úùdra) girls, and their children belong to the mother’s caste and inherit from their uncles and elder brothers, which is a fall in status elsewhere in India. In Western countries, sleeping with married women is habitual, and it cannot be said to be otherwise in virtuous India.

It may be that, prior to Vàtsyàyana or his time, in some part of the earth, or among particular groups, the practice of sleeping with other men’s wives was part of civilization, as proved by the Puràóas, the lyrical works, and the Upaniûads. This is why, if they had not been mentioned in the Kàma Sùtra, it would have meant ignoring an important aspect of human nature and of society, which a man of Vàtsyàyana’s culture could not overlook.

End of the First Chapter

Concerning the Character of Men and Women

of the Fifth Part entitled

Other Men’s Wives