How To Relax

Chapter Two

How To Relax The Girl 

[kanyà visrambhana]

Although the girl has been obtained, she must not be utilized since she is still fearful. An attempt must be made to make her relax. After the marriage ceremony, the way of behaving to bring bliss is as follows.

1 For three days, they must sleep on the ground chastely, side by side, without eating spicy or salty food.

For a whole week, she must go and bathe in the river, accompanied by music, she must attend parties elegantly dressed, see her parents and friends and perform the domestic rites. This is the rule for every caste.

Once they are married and she has come to live in his house, making love is forbidden for three nights. They must not partake of spicy food, but honey, milk, and clarified butter. They must not make love on the morning after the third night, since copulation by day is a grave fault. During the following weeks as during the first three days, she busies herself with household tasks. She takes her meals with him, elegantly dressed, and attends displays of dancing and other kinds of entertainment. She performs the rites of worshiping the gods, the pùjàá, with offerings of perfume and flowers. Thus the first ten days are spent.

It is said, “Once married, installed in her husband’s home, the girl must wait for the tenth day after her menses.” She lives with him in his house, but she can also go back to her family. How does he manage to relax the girl?

2 During the night, when they are alone, they begin to behave in a loving manner.

The girl may be of two kinds, affectionate or shy. In the first case, it is merely a matter of the preliminaries to copulation. In the other case, the girl is embarrassed out of fear and modesty. At night, she is frightened, removed from her dear ones, and would like to go back to her parents. Her modesty must therefore be overcome in a very gentle manner, avoiding all brutality of word or contact.

In what way must one go about it?

3 According to the Bàbhravyas, if, during the first three nights, the girl sees the boy lying like a corpse, without talking to her, she may imagine that he is homosexual, belonging to the third nature.

Seeing him silent and motionless, making no attempt, like a village idiot, the girl says to herself, “How stupid I am. He is either homosexual or impotent.” She considers his lack of initiative an insult.

For this reason, the said prohibitions must be questioned.

4 For Vàtsyàyana, amorous games are necessary in order to relax the girl, without, however, deflowering her.

No blame is attached to the attempt. Methods must be used that will relax her, without, however, breaking the vow of chastity since, even if it appears appropriate, breaking a vow is contrary to virtuous conduct.

5 He must show initiative, but without any violence.

Why?

6 A woman is like a flower. She must be treated gently, until she feels secure. If she is violently assaulted, she becomes hostile to any sign of affection. One must therefore strive to pacify her.

All contacts and caresses must be very gentle. The first approaches must all be made with delicacy.

If at any time an approach is too brutal, the woman develops a hostile attitude to the sexual act.

He explains how to take advantage of every opportunity to make progress by contact.

7 Pressing against her, as soon as he feels the possibility, he plucks up courage.

In order to draw near to her when he feels she is well disposed, he begins to talk to her amusingly, like one of her friends. With chatter and games, he manages to conquer her.

Even if she tries to stiffen her limbs, he must seize the chance to touch them.

When she is relaxed, he attempts a first embrace.

8 Gently, he puts his arms around her, but not for too long.

He must not be insistent, since she will allow it for a moment, but will then start to resist.

9 He must-only tackle the upper part of the body, so as not to upset her.

He must first busy himself with the parts of the body above the navel, since that is all she can bear. She will resist if the lower part of her body is touched.

10 If he already knows the girl, these approaches can be made in full lamplight, but if he has not known her previously, he must act in the dark.

Light is appropriate for a girl who has come joyously into the house, but for one who has married without having had any relation since her childhood and is frightened and modest, darkness is better.

11 After caressing her breasts, he offers her betel, which he keeps in his mouth. If she refuses, he assuages her “with

words, vows, and protestations and, falling at her feet, clasps them to him. An embarrassed “woman, even if she is angry, will not let him fall at her feet. This is true in all cases.

He takes the betel from his mouth to put it into hers, taking the place of an affectionate kiss. If she refuses, despite his efforts, falling at her feet is the final argument, which always works with all women.

12 Then, after this gift, very gently, after a slight struggle, he takes her lips.

If she will not let herself be touched in a gentle manner, he must do it with passion, touching her without constraint. She will protest confusedly, too shy to speak.

13 After which, they talk openly.

He convinces her to agree to a kiss. If the girl is satisfied by the kiss, he can start talking with her.

These are the methods:

14 To make her talk, he asks her questions in a few words, pretending not to know the answer.

15 If he obtains no reply, without getting cross, he gently repeats his questions.

16 If she continues to give no answer, he must not insist.

17 According to Ghotakamukha, a girl who finds herself in a man’s possession will in all cases refuse to speak. She will not pronounce a single word or syllable.

It is because he represents the god Eros [Manmatha] that she is paralyzed by her modesty.

So how can one manage to get to talk to the girl?

18 If one insists, the only reply will be a shaking of the head. If one argues with her, she will not even nod her head.

Without speaking, she will move her head. If she is asked whether she understands, she will move her head up and down to mean yes. In order to say no, she puts her head slantwise so as not to be insolent. If there is an argument, she will lower her head, but if one insists and she is angry, she will not move her head.

In the case of an argument, she must be persuaded with loving words.

19 Do you want me or not? Do you like me or not? He must insist on such questions for some time, until she expresses her agreement by moving her head, or else refuses.

Such questions evoking the past begin to worry her. If he is an old acquaintance, this should be done with a slight insolence. However, if she is embarrassed by the boy’s insolence, what happens? Put under pressure in such a way, she hesitates between two courses of action and ends up by surrendering, either signaling yes with her head, or else, considering the boy’s intentions vague and needing some explanation,

she refuses. Caught by anger, she contradicts him: “No, I don’t like you. I don’t desire you.”

If he persists long enough, she ends up by accepting. Otherwise, she sends him away, in anger.

If they knew each other before, to initiate a conversation presents no problem.

20 All is well if both are relaxed, like friends. But if not, how can they be reconciled?

If she does not lower her head as a sign of acceptance, he starts laughing. With a flood of words, he insults her and argues with her. The silent object of his scorn, she mutters silently to herself. Although she is formulating replies to the boy’s words, she remains silent. “You can insist in vain, I will not speak,” she says to herself. When he starts laughing, however, she blinks, and a conversation is established.

If there has been no previous friendship between them, he asks himself, “Maybe she doesn’t like me.” He must therefore examine her behavior, and if he laughingly reports her friends’ words, she lowers her head in embarrassment. He says, “This is what your girlfriends say: they do nothing but repeat that you were very much in love and that they had to fight against you.” “Is that really what my friends say?” she will wonder. Now that the wedding has taken place, any question of mutual attraction is merely senseless and stupid chit-chat. When the boy starts laughing, she shows that she understands. By blinking and by her expression, she lets him understand that she likes him very much.

He begins talking by quoting a girlfriend who is favorable to him and is trusted by both. After listening to his words, she lowers her head and starts laughing, worried over the gossip of her girlfriend, who is a chatterbox. She contradicts what her friend said, since she had told her fiance lies as a kind of joke, pretending that she was like this or that.

“Why don’t you contradict her?” he asks.

Both husband and girlfriend had agreed to make the girl say, “If you tease me, I won’t answer!”; and smilingly she looks sideways at her husband.

This is a good method for establishing a first conversation between husband and wife.

21 Having attempted a rapprochement, he stays silently and imploringly close to her. He offers her betel, ointments, garlands of flowers, until she is obliged to reply.

Having become acquainted through caresses, sucking betel, and talking, the boy courts his wife until she calms down and is forced to answer.

22 Then, delicately, he touches the tip of her breasts.

23 “If you wish to embrace me, I shall not stop you.’ Having established that, he embraces her and waits no longer to slide his hand further. Gradually, he gets excited and goes further and further, without fearing any opposition.

Once he has been able to touch her, he embraces her. He proceeds to the area around the navel, then, gradually, goes further, but does not seek intercourse immediately. He starts biting and scratching her legs and, if she resists his advances, he threatens her.

If the woman tries to stop him, the boy says, “I am not going to stop.” He embraces his wife and slides his hand below her navel. He then raises her and attempts to take her on his knees and, gradually, proceeds with his enterprise. If the woman refuses, he must frighten her a little.

How?

24 “Just now I will mark your Up with my teeth and shall leave the mark of my nails below your breasts. What I do, you will pretend that a girlfriend did to you previously. What else will you say to them?” Arguing like children, they take to the game very quickly.

25 On the second and third night, when she is more relaxed, he touches her sex with his hand.

He starts to let his hand wander over her thighs and pubis and between her legs.

26 And everywhere he leaves a kiss.

Kissing her on her forehead, eyes, and elsewhere, she becomes more malleable and he can undertake everything. How does he arouse her with his hand?

27 Resting his hand at the top of her legs and caressing her, he reaches the thigh joint. If she protests, he scolds her and calms her down.

First, he passes his hand over the front of her body, going as far as the top of the thigh, then caressing her thigh joint. He calms her, smothering her with kisses and, sliding his hand between her thighs, strokes her secret parts.

28 Without untying her girdle, he loosens the part of the garment that passes between the legs, turning it back and uncovering the base of the thigh. If she does not protest, he takes his pleasure in sliding his instrument [yantra] over it, without, however, breaking her chastity, since it is not the right moment.

He begins by touching her sex, without aiming at fulfillment, since he is bound by his vow for three days. He takes a foretaste of his pleasure on the fourth day. Tormented with desire, he finishes by having an orgasm.

Having untied her garment, he lets his hand wander over her thigh joint. He must do all this to show his love for the girl and to gain her trust, without deflowering her before the time established in a moment of uncontrolled lust.

29 The better to educate her, he shows his passion. He reminds her of pleasant moments in the past, which help to establish favorable feelings. He speaks of the permanence of the true couple. Gradually, after a while, the feelings of the hostile girl begin to awaken. This is the correct way to relax the girl.

Her education must include the sixty-four arts. He shows his passion by his gestures. He recalls to her mind memories of the past and plans for the future. “What I promised you, I will carry out.” He seeks to drive away the fears of his wife, who remains cold. In time, the impulses of youth are aroused in the girl who seemed so lacking in feeling. For this, time is necessary: it will not be achieved all at once.

During the first three nights after the wedding, he must teach her the art of loving (kàma kalà). He must promise her, “I have given you my word. You must not be afraid that I will take other wives.”

30 In this connection, a quotation:

Having thus pleased the girl with subjects suited to her mind and made himself agreeable, she becomes entirely relaxed.

31 One must not go too far in the direction of the weft or woof. Success with girls is obtained by moderation.

What happens when the girl is relaxed?

32 The girl’s state of mind changes as a result of the marks of love. When the girl is relaxed, she gives him signs of affection.

Due to the means employed, the girl allows her womanly nature to appear. During the first encounter, everything must be done with this aim in view. The result is that she becomes amorous.

If one manages to arouse a feeling of love in the young bride, having shown respect and inspired trust in her, one can make oneself loved.

33 If, out of excessive modesty, he does not touch the girl, she, seeing his lack of initiative, will consider him an animal.

Should he remain silent throughout the three nights, she will tend to be hostile to him.

34 If, on the contrary, he suddenly attacks the inexperienced girl, he will only manage to arouse fear and disgust, and she will become hostile to him.

35 A woman who has not received any signs of love is wounded and becomes hostile, an enemy of men. She will either reject them all, or else will go with another.

According to the Gåhya Sùtra, the marriage must be consummated after twelve, six, or three nights. Some ancient authors say they should wait one year, twelve days, six days, or three days. If consummation does not take place, the girl cannot be considered married, since the sexual act is a part of the rite.

Having embraced his wife, the boy puts a betel nut in his mouth in,, order to place it in his wife’s. If she accepts, it means she accepts his kisses.

Once she has accepted the kiss, he must tell her suggestive stories. Should she not react, he must manage to make her laugh by grimaces, or else search his memory for tales that the girl cannot help protesting about. If she remains deaf and dumb, he must find some intermediary to speak with her.

When they have got to know each other, after embraces, kisses, betel and talking, he must ask for something to drink. Without saying a word, the girl smilingly keeps the cup to herself. When she leans forward to drink, her husband strokes her breasts, letting his hands slide gradually down as far as her navel.

This must all be done during their first encounter on the first night. On the second and third nights, he must caress the girl’s whole body, slipping his hand between her thighs. In order not to upset her, he must gently remove his hand from time to time, gradually attaining the sanctuary of Eros. If she allows him to do it, he may untie her garment and, having removed it, take the girl on his knees, without, however, attempting intercourse. They must stay chaste until the third day, and only then may they have their first intercourse. He may only take her when she has fully developed her trust in him, so that her fear will dissolve into pleasure.

In describing the intercourse of Nala and Damayantì, the poet Harûa follows the rules set by Vàtsyàyana.

When Nala wants to make love with her, Damayantì refuses. In order to reason with her, he explains to her why she is upset. Not having had any previous experience of this kind, her sweat begins to run. She is afraid, and starts trembling. But when Nala inserts his member into her sanctuary of Eros, Damayantì discovers sensual pleasure unknown before. She realizes that it is a source of wonderful pleasure and they remain for a long time clasped in each other’s arms.

After the wedding night, the husband must teach the girl all the techniques of the art of loving and show her unfailing affection. His conduct, treatment of her, and way of talking to her must be such that in the future, the girl’s heart knows no fear, doubt, or reproach. She must feel assured that her husband will never leave her for the attractions of another woman. It is a husband’s duty to lead his wife along the path of pleasure, without encountering any obstacles, so that their amorous games enjoy increasing success.

It is evident from Vàtsyàyana’s text that, in order to relax the girl, the boy should know female psychology. Without understanding a woman’s feelings, marriage and married life can only be a failure.

End of the Second Chapter

How to Relax the Girl

of the Third Part entitled Acquiring a Wife